Spiritual Awakenings Fuck Up You Life

It’s never easy to say goodbye. Especially for somebody like me who gets easily attached to people places and situations. But I cannot lie to myself anymore. Years of meditation have primed my intuition to shout louder and louder until I am deafened by my weary soul crying out to me to take the right action. For the sake of my sanity, I have to give up my role as a healthcare provider. As a recovering codependent, I can safely say my current friendships are my biggest achievement in life. No longer subconsciously attracted to toxic, unhealthy relationships, my healthy reciprocated friendships are my pride and joy.

But my current career carries the remnants of my former identity. For fifteen years I’ve worked hard in carving my identity as a dentist. Crippled by low self-esteem and the shame of rejection from a community who never failed to remind me of my wayward father’s latest scandals or my brother’s untimely death, I decided to become an overachiever who invested her entire self-worth in chasing the elusive ´Dr’ title.

Having navigated two healthcare systems and a foreign language, I put my hands up. I can’t do this anymore. Every day I put on a mask and become an actress, as each day a dozen or so frightened, traumatised souls look to me to help fix their pain.

And with each patient, a part of me dies. My soul is drained and I carry the heavy weight of this burden in my chest long after I leave my surgery. And the loneliness in not being able to share this with my family only makes it worse. Of not being able to admit I want to leave a secure stable career.

I feel ashamed to admit to my hard working minority family whose forefathers came to Europe in the 1960´to do the jobs Western Europeans refused to do, that my professional Dr title does not make me immune to prejudices and stereotypes.

I feel ashamed to admit my finances are a mess because I struggle to work more than a few days a week without depression wearing me down. Coupled with my inability to cheat a rotten healthcare system that cheats both the patients and practitioners combined, my earnings do not match the dollar signs that light up in people’s eyes when I tell them of my chosen profession.

In the two years I gave up my profession, I was the happiest I had ever been. My frozen inner child thawed and came out to play. I got in touch with my creative side and allowed myself to dream. And then I got scared and fear kicked in and I went back to a  personality archetype that no longer fits me. Sometimes we create our own prisons from our limited beliefs and self-judgements fuelled by insecurity and the constant need for parental approval.

Watching the news headlines of each new boatload of Syrian refugees washing up on Greek shores always provokes another shame attack. With a safe home and a stable job surely I should feel grateful? But then I ask myself how does not following my true purpose in life contribute to society?

Having been part of spiritual circles for years, I’ve been surrounded by people on the constant search for enlightenment. I was happy just to settle for peace. And yet, having had two spiritual awakenings that struck me unaware, I can assure you that they are not for the faint-hearted. Quite frankly spiritual awakenings fuck up your life. Everything you thought was true is no longer the truth. The ability to lie to yourself becomes obsolete and you are forced to say goodbye to situations, places and people. If you don’t do it first, the Universe will find a way to do it for you. I learnt that from the first time. But the good news is that after the storm ends and the dust settles, you realise that even if someone offered you a million dollars you wouldn’t go back to your previous existence. Sometimes you feel like a fool for not having acted earlier. That like Dorothy, all you had to do was click your feet and the nightmare would have been over. Instead, we dig in our heels, holding onto dear life to unhappy situations. The ego will go to great lengths to avoid diversions from the safety of familiarity.

A true commitment to spirituality requires the ability to embrace the messiness invoked by continual expansion and growth. Yes, it’s tiring constantly saying goodbye but true friendships stemming from love never die.

Saying yes to life takes courage and strength to let go of what no longer serves us. And heaps of self-forgiveness for the guilt that comes from the feeling of constantly letting people down. I never imagined a nomadic life for myself. Each time I have had to extricate myself from the last seven cities I have lived in has been painful and drenched in sadness from feeling like a failure that yet again I was unable to stick to a geographical location long enough to place roots.

And lesson learnt, this time I have promised myself to take action before the Universe intervenes. Traumatic events are usually subterfuge for aligning us to events and situations better suited and aligned with our higher self. So I’ll save myself the drama and get in there first.

I feel it in my bones the end is coming before a new chapter in my life begins. It’s taken me four years to muster the courage after a plethora of traumatic incidents to finally let go of a decision I made in an English coffee shop aged 17. Lost and confused, I chose the option which offered me the greatest financial freedom to escape my unhappy home. Now I’m 32 sitting in a Parisien brasserie with my single shot expresso wondering where the universe will lead me. I let go and let God. Goodbye dentistry, hello life,